are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
