Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
