hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
