Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
