Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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