my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
