the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
