Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
