k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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