I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
