end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You pole danced in your parka.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
