I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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