matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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