life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
