So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
