i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
