I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I wish there were birth control emojis
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
