i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We need a shit load of segways right now
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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