I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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