She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
