someone threw a dead crab at me
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
