Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I made him laugh his dick is mine
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
