My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
