Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
