He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
