He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
