everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
