You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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