dude i'm inner monologue high
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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