I didn't shave. On purpose
You can't motorboat a personality
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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