I feel like abortions should bother me more
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
