Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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