i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
