Well douche your snatch and let's go!
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
