omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
