just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
