What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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