The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
