guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
