i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
