Betty ford says i'm here all night
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
