I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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