I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
