Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
