You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
