I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
