So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sarcasm needs its own font
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
