...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
