I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
