How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
